Deer Hunting

I went deer hunting this morning and shot two does.

Seriously. I shot two of them. From my driveway.

I have gone hunting on more mornings than I can remember and it’s normally too dark to get a clear shot. This morning was different. It was a rough night at work (two wrecked patrol cars, one fatality accident, several EMS runs, and one house fire) so I was late getting home. I pulled up and there were three does and a buck right behind the house. I parked the car far around the corner of the house so I could get out without them seeing me, slipped back to the trunk, and got my piece out. It was a simple matter to slip around the corner and shoot.

I wasn’t fast enough to get the buck and one of the does. Rats!

The others, however, were too slow and I got them. Beautiful!

Wait a minute? Am I crazy? Hunting deer in May? Shooting a doe? Two of them?

What do you mean you’re calling a game warden?

Put the phone down. 
You have the wrong idea.

Yes, it is May. Yes, I know that Deer season ended months ago.

Just listen to me.  I haven’t broken any law.

I admit that I hunt deer out of season but I do it with a camera.

I absolutely do not hunt deer with a gun. Ever.

Wait... Again, you have the wrong idea. I don’t have anything against hunting deer with a gun. I just don’t have one. Again, it’s not that I have anything against guns but I have chosen to spend my money on things like computers and cameras rather than buy guns. I could easily borrow a rifle but I’m a lousy shot and couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn from 20 yards. 

It used to be different though.  I used to go deer hunting with my father when I was a boy.

I remember one enjoyable night camping in 20 degree weather, wishing I had a sleeping bag to put my sleeping bag in. I remember sitting all of one bitterly cold morning waiting for the big buck that I knew stayed near my stand. I remember the monsterous squirrel that pestered me while I was waiting for that buck. I remember that the only thing keeping me from shooting the squirrel was the knowledge that I would scare the buck away. I remember finding out that my uncle had shot that buck the day before. I remember going back to look for the squirrel when I found out about my uncle’s success. I also remember that the squirrel was smart enough to stay out of my sight that time.

That was a typical hunting trip for me.

Do you have an idea why I have chosen to hunt deer with a camera instead of a rifle?


I do, reluctantly, admit that I have had success hunting deer with something other than a camera. I used a very expensive weapon for deer hunting three times between August and October 1988. The weapon in question was a blue 1984 Ford Tempo with a bumper sticker that read “Urban Assault Vehicle.”  Even with that I was still 1 for 3.

Hmmm.

Maybe it would be better stated that the deer were hunting and they were 2 for 3. The first deer clipped a fender and ran off during a blinding rain storm. She went away sore with no damage to the car so she didn’t score. The second had bad timing and attacked the front bumper in order to do minor damage. She made the supreme sacrifice but at least she scored. The third was sneaky. He stood in the road, waited for me to stop, and ran off into the woods. I started moving again and he jumped out of the woods and slammed into the driver’s door. I consider his hunting trip to be successful because he seriously scratched the paint on the door, caused a stinky mess inside the car, and walked away with nothing more than a headache. SCORE!

I still don’t know what I did to make the deer mad at me but I learned my lesson. It’s been nearly twenty two years and the truce between the local deer and I still holds. I don’t try to hurt them and they don’t make me mess up my car.

Murder Of A Snowman

It is with great sadness that I must relay this story: The murder of the great F. T. Snowman. I found him at the crime scene but it was too late to do anything but hang my head and cry. He will be missed!

I am pasting copies of two articles from the Northeast Texas Gazette. None of the major news agencies have run the story since nobody outside of Hallstown reads that sorry excuse for bird cage liner. Somebody has to get the story out so I will take the responsibility upon myself.


Legendary Snowman murdered
by Notta Rider/Northeast Texas Gazette
02/16/2010




















Hallstown has suffered its first homicide of the year. The body of the nationally known celebrity F. T. Snowman was found on S. George Ave. in front of Friend’s Coffee Shop at 9:30 this morning. The heartless fiend responsible for the murder coldy dumped the body by a curb. A curb, we might add, that is still littered with leaves even though they fell from the trees months ago.

The photographer who found the body was frantic and clearly not in control of himself when he called 911. The recording was hard to understand but this reporter did his best.


Transcript as follows:


Operator: Hallstown 911 what is your emergency? Hello? Calm down. I can’t understand you.
Caller: I said that there’s a body lying on the side of the road in front of Friend’s.
Operator: Where sir?
Caller: Friend’s. You know! The coffee shop here on S. George that stole its name from that old TV show? Anyway... He’s just laying there melting!
Operator: Melting?
Caller: Yes. Melting. It’s a snow man. I think he’s the one who acted in the TV special they play every Christmas. It sure looks like him anyway. He had to have been dumped out there.
Operator: Why do you think that?
Caller: Duh! It’s too warm. He couldn’t have made it there on his own!
Operator: (long pause and the sound of a deep breath being taken) Sir, did you see who dumped him there?
Caller: No! He’s just laying there! No one else seems to be paying any attention! It’s like they don’t care! What is this world coming to?
(Transcript stopped due to insane, mindless ranting by the caller and the un-printable names he was called by the operator. You should have the idea by now anyway.)

Officers were quick to block off the area and within 30 minutes a refrigerated truck arrived to remove the remains. A quick thinking traffic cop commandeered a mop and bucket from Othello’s Books and collected the body parts that had melted and were pooling along the curb. It was sickening work but someone had to do it.

About half dozen onlookers stood by watching, a testament to the detached voyeurism that has taken hold of this country. The photographer who found F. T. Snowman’s remains had taken refuge inside of Othello’s and was more than willing to speak to this reporter.
“It was horrible! I had stopped in to pick up the latest issue of The Chap. By the way, you do know this is the only place in town to get it. Most stores don’t want to pay the price to import it.”
“Whatever. What did you see when you stepped outside?
“Oh it was horrible! He was lying right beside my car. His head had been crushed and he was melting. His coal eyes and button nose had already fallen off.”
“How long had you been in the store?”
“No more than thirty minutes.”

I left the photographer to his misery and made for the police press conference. The conference was held by Police Chief Hinkel, who was decked out in a slick gray suit, a purple shirt, and an old silk hat. Both reporters were told that the cause of death was a combination of blunt force trauma to the head and exposure to the elements.

The reporter from The Messenger challenged the exposure bit saying that it had been a beautiful and comfortable morning, which the chief was quick to counter. “For you maybe… It WAS 55 degrees this morning and he WAS a snowman. All of our snow melted last week. It’s a wonder he lasted as long as he did.” He went on to say that there were no witnesses, no suspects, and no known motive. He refused to answer more questions and walked out saying “You will be the first to know if things change.”

This reporter has learned that F. T. had been staying at the GoodTime Ice Cream plant on Carriage Rd. Mr. Marion O. Time, proprietor, acknowledged that he agreed to let F. T. stay until he could make other arrangements. “He came down last week on vacation. We don’t get much snow in the south and he wanted to see what Hallstown was like since he had seen all of the Winter Wonderland Lights pictures. The snow melted faster than expected and he just kinda got stuck here. F. T. had called a friend named Chris to come get him but said it was going to take a few days for him to get here. I called Chief Hinkel to let him know there would be someone in the plant at night and he said that he would personally keep an eye on the place to make sure no one bothered F. T.”

When asked why he allowed F. T. to stay in the freezer at the plant he said, “C’mon. He’s been my hero since I was a kid. He inspired me to start this frozen treats business. F. T. wasn’t trouble anyway. He just kicked back in a corner and snored.”
“Weren’t you afraid of contamination in the freezer,” I asked him?
“Contamination? He was made of ice! He did have his trademark pipe with him but he has never once smoked it.”

My interview with Mr. Time was cut short at that point when he received an urgent summons from an employee. It seems that a frozen rabbit had been found in the freezer. He excused himself saying that he had to do something before word got out and people began to think his facility wasn’t sanitary. Let us hope that doesn’t happen.

Arrest made in F. T. Snowman Murder Case
by Notta Rider/Northeast Texas Gazette
02/17/2010

Hallstown Police Chief P. Hinkel has been arrested and charged with the murder of the nationally known celebrity F. T. Snowman, who was visiting our town and got stranded by the sudden melting of last week’s snow.

A fast thinking traffic cop realized the hat Chief Hinkel wore to the press conference was just like the one he saw F. T. wearing the first time he saw the animated snowman. He convinced the coroner take a mineral sample of the ice that F.T. was made of and obtained a search warrant for Chief Hinkel’s home. Matching minerals were found on a hammer in Hinkel’s garage and on the silk hat Hinkel had worn at the press conference. A local geologist who would only speak with a guaranty of anonymity said that this evidence is damning. “The minerals in the water that F. T. was made of can only come from one place. The odds of anyone in East Texas coming into contact with that water are a million to one.”

Assistant Police Chief J. Durant said that Hinkel has not admitted to the crime. “He just sits there mumbling about how he wrote those words over and over yet never got a new hat or any presents. We think he’s lost it and have ordered mental evaluations. We transported him to the psychiatric ward at Regional Clinic shortly after his arrest.”

Hinkel’s motives for the killing are still unknown.


BLOGGER’S NOTE: I feel that I must make a couple of corrections due to the reporter’s skewed perspective and omissions. I stole his girlfriend in high school and he has been scheming to get even with me every since. The transcript of the call was re-written. I also was not screaming or rambling insanely. In addition to that, the copy of The Chap I bought was not for me. I would never read anything that is so demeaning to a proper gentleman. It was for Hoss, a good friend.